"Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided." ~ Mae West

"A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future." ~ Denis Waitley

"A woman is like a tea bag – you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening." ~ Alexander Woollcott

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." ~ James Branch Cabell

"Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy." ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

"At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other." ~ Ann Landers

"A sportsman is one who not only will not show his own father where the best fishing holes are but will deliberately direct him to the wrong ones." ~ Greg Clark

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public-relations writers." ~ Daniel J. Boorstin

"I drink to make other people more interesting."~ Ernest Hemingway

"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there." ~ George Burns

"There are three ways to get something done; Do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it." ~ Monta Crane

"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?" ~ Benny Hill

"I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally." ~ Bill Maher

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it." ~ Bob Hope

"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'" ~ Conan O’Brien

"My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine." ~ Caroline Rhea

"By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong." ~ Charles Wadsworth

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." ~ Mark Twain

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." ~ Golda Meir

"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out." ~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti

"Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright." ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific." ~ Lily Tomlin

"He who laughs last didn’t get the joke." ~ Charles de Gaulle

"High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead." ~ Christopher Morley

"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." ~ Clint Eastwood

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." ~ Dalai Lama