The Daily Show

is a Comedy Central "fake" news program adapting from the likes of .

Host: Jon Stewart

Correspondents: Samantha Bee, Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Rob Corddry, Ed Helms, Bob Wiltfong

Contributor: Lewis Black with 'Back in Black'

When news breaks we fix it taglines. __TOC__

Table of contents

1 Jon Stewart 2 Stephen Colbert 3 Steve Carell 4 Samantha Bee 5 Rob Corddry 6 Ed Helms 7 Notable Guests 8 Headlines 9 Taglines 10 Cast

Jon Stewart

• With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.

• After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call every parent dreads: Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.

• Russia held its parliamentary elections last week. The result: it decided to go with a dictatorship.

• [regarding the lawsuit against ]
  The judgment marks a key victory for the recording industry, in its aggressive battle against poor high school students and fun.

• [about an increase in college crime rates]
  This is what happens when you take away Napster

• No matter what side of the political spectrum you are on, if you are incapable of feeling at least a tiny amount of joy at watching ordinary Iraqis celebrate this, you are lost to the ideological left. And let me also add if you are incapable of feeling badly that we even had to use force in the first place, you are ideologically lost to the right. And I would implore both of those groups to leave the room now.
  [on the U.S. overthrow of Saddam Hussein]

• It's as though there's only two positions you can have - you're either for the war or against the troops.
  [on U.S. involvement in Iraq]

• The official CIA report, the Duelfer Report, has come out. The one that they've been working on for the past two years that will be the definitive answer on the weapons of mass destruction programs in Iraq, and it turns out, uh, not so much. Apparently, there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and their capabilities had been degraded, and they pretty much stopped trying anything in '98. Both the president and the vice president have come out today in response to the findings and said that they clearly justify the invasion of Iraq. So, uh, some people look at a glass and see it as half full, and other people look at a glass and say that it's a dragon.

• Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: Don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.

• Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

• Ralph Nader chose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore.

• France, c'mon girl, don't be an invader hater.

• President Bush announced that we were landing on Mars today... which means he's given up on Earth.

• After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during which their CEO was — oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It's still true today.

• [President Bush makes a speech about NASCAR promoting values]
  Values like burning as much gas as you can so you can drive around an oval for hours.

• Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not gonna take it anymore. Yeah! Down with the people who are already down!
  [on the 2004 GOP convention]

• When they say they served with Kerry in Vietnam, what they really mean is that they were in Vietnam at the same time. Kind of like how Snoopy served with the Red Baron.
  [on the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, who have attacked Kerry's military service record]

• Despite reports that John Kerry was wounded three times in Vietnam, it was revealed today that he was only wounded twice. So in other words, he's a pussy.

• [Dick Cheney blames the defeat of an energy bill on the abscence of Kerry and Edwards to vote on it]
  So let me get this straight, you control the White House, both Houses of Congress, and the Supreme Court, and your administration has closer ties to the energy industry than any administration in history, and those two blockheads stopped you?

• We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather.

• Yesterday the White House unveiled a plan to deal with terrorist attacks on Election Day. It's part of a program where the President, under certain circumstances, could declare himself Caesar.

• On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that? I'd like that. I'm tired.
  [speaking to his audience in reference to the 2004 U.S. Presidential election]

Stephen Colbert

• It used to be that our elected officials were veterans of World War II, Vietnam, or the Civil Rights Movement. But with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, I foresee a day when all our leaders will come from the movie Predator. Think about it. Governor Carl Weathers. No wait: Senator Predator. I bet he has some pretty interesting things to say about tort reform.

• Well, Jon, The great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy.

• What kind of madman refuses to produce evidence that he doesn't have what he said he didn't? Saddam had to be taken out or who knows what else he might not have done? It's imaginable.

• What really excites me about this revelation is that it lowers the standard for the next invasion. Before, the standard was imminent danger. Now the standard is "What are you lookin' at? You lookin' at me? 'Cause my friend says you're lookin' at me and there's nobody else here so I guess you're looking at me!"

--

Stephen Colbert: After all, it was Thomas Jefferson who said "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."

Jon Stewart: No, that was Stalin. Thomas Jefferson said that he'd "Rather have free press and no government, than a government and no free press".

Stephen Colbert: Well, what else would you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler loving queer?

...

Jon Stewart: Kerry could pose a serious threat.

Stephen Colbert: [Talking like a biblical prophet] Threat Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide. For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due. For lo! it has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with the hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!

...

Jon Stewart: As I understand, you gave some testimony too.

Stephen Colbert: Well I was subpoenaed, Jon, but I pled the sixth. That threw them for a loop.

...

Stephen Colbert: Are you afraid that associating with the Republican party might bring a taint of corruption to boxing?

Don King: Let me say this: I'm a promoter of the people for the people and by the people and my magic lies in my people ties. I'm a promoter of America. I'm American people. You know what I mean? So therefore, uh, do not send for who the bell tolls 'cause the bell tolls for thee.

Stephen Colbert: I'll take that as a "maybe?"

Don King: If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump his behind every time he hopped.

Stephen Colbert: I... I get you.

Don King: Yes, thank you.

Stephen Colbert: What is it I get?

...

Colbert's segment "So You're Living In A Police State," a lampoon on the Patriot Act, opens with a slightly bird's-eye-view of Colbert entering his bathroom, as he whistles nonchalantly and urinates. He then turns to the camera in surprise.

Stephen Colbert: Oh, hi! I didn't see you there in the sprinkler head!

Steve Carell

• [as announcer for Moviefone]
  Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. To select "The Passion of the Christ", press 1. To select Jesus Christ as your personal savior, press 2. If you were one of they who mocked him, ye I say unto thee, press 3. To hear these instructions again in Tongues, press 4.

Samantha Bee

• Upon hearing of Saddam's capture, Wesley Clark exclaimed, and I'm quoting here, 'You're (beep)ing me. Please say you're (beep)ing me.' He added 'You'd better be (beep)ing me.'

• Just because something happens in nature doesn't make it natural.

Rob Corddry

• But the weather started getting rough. The giant ship was tossed. If it weren't for the bravery of the fearless crew... actually, the Republic was lost.

• [about Hitler]
  That guy was not likeable.

• Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean. It's pretty hard to see how Dean can recover from this.

• Remember, the last person Al Gore endorsed was Al Gore. And you remember how well that went. Really, do you remember? I have no idea.

• Think about it Jon, the terrorists are expecting us to hold our elections on Election Day. If we did that, we'd be playing right into their hands.

Ed Helms

• July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France released the prisoners being held in the Bastille. Not just the *political* prisoners, mind you; *all* the prisoners.

• "Bastille". It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison."

• Oooh look, I'm a Democrat. I'm going to block your nomination. Oooh look, I'm a Republican. I'm going to block your blocking of the nomination. Oooh look, I'm Ted Kennedy. I have man boobies.

Notable Guests

Jon Stewart: What about the State of the Union? Did you go to the speech?

Senator John McCain: I had no choice.

...

Jon Stewart: Do you know of any candidate that has gone from top to bottom, from king to serf, so quickly as Howard Dean?

Bob Dole: I did.

Bob Dole: I mean, Joe Lieberman, he was banking on Al Gore's ticket. Then Al Gore endorsed Howard Dean, and now Howard's campaign tanked. So I told Kerry and Edwards, If Gore calls you, don't pick up the phone.

Headlines

Mess O' Potamia [ / ]

Powell Movement [Colin Powell resigning]

Zell on Earth [Zell Miller at the Republican National Convention]

Finding Memo [, also referencing Finding Nemo]

Human Babies Born! [Media fascination with Julia Roberts' twins]

Sadr House Rules [, also referencing Cider House Rules]

Taglines

When news breaks we fix it

Third rate reporters giving the first degree the Second news happens.

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When News Breaks... It's News to Us

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Cast

Jon Stewart - Host (1999-)

''Craig Kilborn - Host (1996-1998)

Samantha Bee - Correspondent (2003-)

Steve Carell - Correspondent (1999-)

Stephen Colbert - Correspondent (1997-)

Rob Corddry - Correspondent (2002-)

Ed Helms - Correspondent (2002-)

Bob Wiltfong - Correspondent (2004-)

Lewis Black - Contributor, 'Back in Black'

''Frank DeCaro - Contributor, 'Out at the Movies' (1996-2003)

''Dave Attell - Contributor, 'The Ugly American' (1999-2002)

''Michael Blieden - Contributor (1996-1999)

''John Bloom - Contributor, 'God Stuff' (1996-1998) (as Joe Bob Briggs)

''A. Whitney Brown - Correspondent (1996-1998)

''Rich Brown - Contributor, 'Public Excess' (1999-2000)