Steve Martin

Stephen Glenn Martin

• Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
  • Hosting the 2001 Academy Awards

• I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
  • Introducing the best adapted screenplay at the 2003 Academy Awards

• Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

• I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

• I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.

• I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

• I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early midafternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk.

• It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. If it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch, I wouldn't believe in anything.

• Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

• There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

• Well, excuuuuuse me!!!!

• What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

• You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.