Rodney Dangerfield

Attributed:

• A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

• During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

• I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.

• I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

• I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous— everyone hasn't met me yet.

• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

• I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.

• I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

• I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

• I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

• I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

• I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice— I don't know if I'm coming or going.

• If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

• It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

• Life is just a bowl of pits.

• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

• My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

• My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

• My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

• With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

• With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

• Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

• When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said "Is there someone else?" She said "There must be".

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