Mark Twain

• "Next the statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception."
  • Source: "The Mysterious Stranger" (1910)

• "To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position is correct."
  • Source: "How To Tell A Story" (1897)

• "For in a republic, who is 'the country?' Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant – merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn’t. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. Who, then, is 'the country?' Is it the newspaper? Is it the pulpit? Is it the school-superintendent? Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it; they have not command, they have only their little share in the command. They are but one in the thousand; it is in the thousand that command is lodged; they must determine what is right and what is wrong; they must decide who is a patriot and who isn’t."
  • Source: "Documents Related to 'Diaries Antedating the Flood'" (from the collection The Bible According to Mark Twain)

• "In a monarchy, the king and his family are the country; in a republic it is the common voice of the people. Each of you, for himself, by himself and on his own responsibility, must speak. And it is a solemn and weighty responsibility, and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of pulpit, press, government, or the empty catch-phrases of politicians. Each must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, and which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide it against your convictions is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may. If you alone of all the nation shall decide one way, and that way be the right way according to your convictions of the right, you have done your duty by yourself and by your country--hold up your head. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
  • Source: "Papers of the Adam Family"

• "The official list of questions which the priest is required to ask will overmasteringly excite any woman who is not a paralytic."
  • Source: Letters From the Earth (written 1909-10, published 1962)

• "A Southerner talks music."
  • Source: Life on the Mississippi Chapter 44.

• "My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death."
  • Source: A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

Attributed

Money and Finance

Courage

• "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."

Facts

• "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."

Government and Politics

Health

• "There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry."

Honesty

• "Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."

Humility

• "Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

Humor

• "Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place."
• "The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it."
• "The funniest things are the forbidden."
• "Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes."
• "Only laughter can blow [a colossal humbug] to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand."
  • "The Mysterious Stranger" (1910)

Truth

• "Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't"
• "A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
• "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
• "Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain."
• "Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."
• "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."
• "I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
• "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."
• "I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way."
• "When in doubt, tell the truth."
• "A lie can make it half way around the world before the truth has time to put its boots on."

Weather

• "If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a minute or two."

Miscellaneous

• "I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."

• "Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest."

• "Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any."

• "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

• "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

• "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."

• "History does not repeat itself, It rhymes."

• "I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse."

• "I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."

• "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly and I did. I said I didn't know."

• "In all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane."
• "In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."

• "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

• "I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction."

• "Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

• "There are no dialogues, only intersecting monologues"

• "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

• "None but the dead have free speech."

• "Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'."

• "Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."
• "The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

• "There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages."

• "They did not know it was impossible, so they did it!"

• "They spell it 'da Vinci' and pronounce it 'da Vinchy.' Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."
• "Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one."

• "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."

• "The difference between the right word and the nearly right word is the same as that between lightning and the lightning bug."

• "The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter — 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning."

• "The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."

• "Be careful while reading health books, you might die of a misprint."

• "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness."

• "When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."

• "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it."

• "It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either."

• "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."

• "The only reason why God created man because he was disappointed with the monkey."
• "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

• "To be, or not to be; that is the bare bodkin"

• "Every man is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows anybody."

• "Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read"

• "I have found solace in profanity unexcelled even by prayer"

• "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."