Down Periscope

(1996)

Admiral Graham: Now, call me a prude if you want, but I don't think it's good policy for the Navy to hand over a billion-dollar piece of equipment to a man who has "Welcome Aboard" tattooed on his penis!

[Capt. Knox dresses down his X.O., Lt. Cmdr. Dodge, on his inappropriate behavior and bad language.]

Cmdr. Dodge: Oh gee! Now I've gone and done it — ruined my career.

[Capt. Knox is suddenly nonplussed over a radio message he's reading.]

Capt. Knox: Apparently not. This is just in from ComSubLant. You're to report to Norfolk immediately… to take command of your own submarine.

Cmdr. Dodge: That's not funny.

Capt. Knox: No, it's not. That's why they decoded it twice.

[Dodge gets a look at his "new" boat, the WWII-era diesel submarine Stingray.]

Cmdr. Dodge: Well, no disrespect to the U.S.S. Rustoleum here, but I'd be better off in the Merrimack!

[Adm. Winslow reviews his special mission with Cmdr. Dodge.]

Adm. Winslow: What do you think, Mr. Dodge?

Cmdr. Dodge: I think I'm gonna get my ass kicked, sir.

Adm. Winslow: Aw, don't think like that! Damn it to hell, don't go by the book! Think like a pirate! I want a man with a tattoo on his dick! Have I got the right man?

Cmdr. Dodge: By a strange coincidence, you do, sir.

Cmdr. Dodge: Speaking of age, what do you think about our boat, Pascal?

X.O. Pascal: I feel I need a tetanus shot just from looking at it. The only thing holding her together… are the bird droppings, sir.

Stepanak: Sit on it and rotate, sir.

X.O. Pascal: WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY, SAILOR? YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! [turns to Dodge] HE CAN'T SAY THAT!

Cmdr. Dodge: Pascal! Down, down! Heel!

Stepanak: What's our mission? Rescue Gilligan?

[Dodge congratulates his crew on their Stingray renovation effort.]

Cmdr. Dodge: She may not be the youngest girl at the ball, but… she'll turn a head or two!

[Lt. Emily Lake reports on deck, obviously missing some regulation undergarments.]

Cmdr. Dodge: Lt. Lake… you're almost out of uniform!

Cmdr. Dodge: Alright, gentlemen! Let's kick this pig!

Nitro: Radio's working like a Swiss… car.

X.O. Pascal: BUCKMAN! THERE WAS A FINGERNAIL IN MY FOOD, YOU FAT-ASS MORON! YESTERDAY, IT WAS A BAND-AID!

Buckman: I'm sorry, sir. The Band-Aid was holding the fingernail on.

[The Stingray is lying silent on the bottom while the Orlando floats above them.]

Sonar: Sir. It's the Orlando. Somebody just dropped 45 cents.

Cmdr. Dodge: You're sure?

Sonar: Oh, yeah. A quarter and two dimes.

[Cmdr. Dodge consoles Lt. Lake on her dive mishap.]

Lt. Lake: Sir? The Murmansk brushing incident. How did you get over that?

Cmdr. Dodge: Got drunk and passed out. Woke up the next morning with a hangover and a tattoo. I wouldn't recommend the tattoo.

Cmdr. Dodge: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. We have fulfilled every requirement of this mission except one — Norfolk. Presently, there are several ships positioned outside the harbor to intercept us. To get in, we're gonna have to use a tactic that is somewhat bizarre and extremely risky. If any of you feel it's not worth it, please let me know now.

Sylvesterson: Uh, actually, sir, I think we prefer to go with the bizarre and risky. It worked for us so far.

Cmdr. Dodge: Alright, everybody, it's time to kick this pig! Leave Graham squealing from the feeling!

R.J. Jackson: Squeaking from the freaking!

Buckman: Oinking from the boinking!

Admiral Graham: You watch yourself, Dodge. You are addressing a superior officer!

Cmdr. Dodge: No, merely a higher ranking one.