Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The Harvest

: I've been researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained massacre… rivers of blood, Hell on earth… quite charmless. I am a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine.

[Everyone stares at Giles.]

Giles: That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?

: Welcome to the New World.

Buffy: I don't suppose you've got a key on you?

: They really don't like me dropping in.

Buffy: Why not?

Angel: They really don't like me.

Buffy: How could that possibly be?

Angel: I knew you'd figure out this entryway sooner or later. Actually, I thought it was gonna be a little sooner.

Buffy: Sorry you had to wait. Okay. Look, if you're gonna be popping up with this cryptic wise man act on a regular basis, can you at least tell me your name?

Angel: Angel.

Buffy: Angel. It's a pretty name.

Angel: Don't… go down there.

Buffy: Deal with my going.

Angel: You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk. Tonight is the Harvest. Unless you can prevent it, the Master walks.

Buffy: Well, if this Harvest thing is such a suckfest, why don't you stop it?

Angel: 'Cause I'm afraid.

[Buffy spin-kicks open the door leading to the sewers.]

Angel: They'll be expecting you.

Buffy: I've got a friend down there. Or at least a potential friend. Do you know what it's like to have a friend? [pause] That wasn't supposed to be a stumper.

: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.

Angel: She did it! I'll be damned!

[The day after the Bronze battle, the kids and Giles discuss the future.]

Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school!

[The kids continue the discussion as they walk away from Giles.]

Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.

: Maybe you could blow something up! They're really strict about that.

Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like… excessive not-studying.

[Giles watches them walk away and sighs to himself.]

Giles: The Earth is doomed.

The Witch

: I laugh in the face of danger! Then I… hide until it goes away.

: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?

: Maybe because they met her?

[Buffy looks through her mother's high school yearbook.]

: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.

: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

Buffy: I'm inscrutable, huh?

\Joyce: You're sixteen.

: Oh, how I hate this, let me count the ways.

Buffy: Hmm, that much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide.

Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. Pardon me for finding the glass half full.

Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!

Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.

Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.

Buffy: Hmm, I know you don't, that's 'cause you're my friend. You're my Xander-shaped friend!

Amy: I'm just happy to have my body back. I'm thinking of getting fat.

Buffy: Y'know, I hear that look's in for spring.

Teacher's Pet

: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise, we bottle them up, and before you know it powerful laxatives are involved.

: Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight. I'm just saying, when tragedy strikes we have to look on the bright side, y'know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

: That's all he said? Fork Guy?

: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.

Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life.

Buffy: Well! Look who's here!

: Hi.

Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.

Angel: I won't be long.

Buffy: No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and then disappear into the night. Right?

Angel: You're cold.

Buffy: You can take it.

Angel: I mean, you look cold.

: Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there!

Buffy: What happened?

Angel: I didn't pay attention.

Buffy: To somebody with a big fork?

Angel: He's coming.

Buffy: The Fork Guy?

Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.

Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic!

Angel: I have to go.

Buffy: Sweet dreams to you, too.

Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!

: You think he's buff?

Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.

Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.

Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.

Natalie: Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.

Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.

Xander: ...I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is "'Angel" anyway?

Xander: No, no, it's, the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen.

Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest.

Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh...I mean, he's probably...

Willow: ...gonna die!

Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

: And one of the brethren shall go out hunting the night before and get himself killed, because he couldn't wait to finish his job before he ate. Oh, wait... that's not written anywhere.

: So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?

: Xander!

Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go last night. No, I don't mean that either.

Buffy: But... cute guy... teenager... post-pubescent fantasies!

: I have volumes of lore, of prophecies, of predictions, but I don't have an instruction manual. We feel our way as we go along. And, I must say, as a Slayer you're doing... pretty well.

Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.

Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.

Giles: Alright, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.

Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Giles: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.

Buffy: Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says, 'I'm the Slayer, ask me how!'

Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

: You're here on a date?

Buffy: Yes! Why is it such a shock to everyone?

Giles: Uh, two more of the brethren came in here. They came after me. But I was more than a match for them.

Buffy: Meaning?

Giles: I hid.

Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time.

The Pack

: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!

: It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!

: Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.

: What is it with those guys?

Willow: They're obnoxious. Professionally.

Xander: Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.

Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, "Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?" We've been through this.

Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?

Buffy: Uh-huh.

Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?

Buffy: Yes.

Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.

Buffy: It's bad, isn't it.

Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Course, you'll have to kill him.

Buffy: I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me. There is something supernatural at work here. Get your books! Look stuff up!

Willow: Oh, my God, Xander! What happened?

Buffy: I hit him.

Willow: With what?

Buffy: A desk.

Willow: Come on, Angel pushes your buttons. You know he does.

Buffy: I suppose some girls might find him good looking...if they have eyes, alright, he's a honey, but... it's just he's never around, and when he is all he wants to do is talk about vampires, and... I, I just can't have a relationship...

Giles: I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards.

Xander: Did you tell them that?

Giles: Your secret dies with me.

Xander: Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.

Angel

: What are you vixens up to?

: Just sitting here, watching our barren lives pass us by. Oh look, a cockroach.

[STOMP!]

Xander: I mean, guys'll do anything to impress a girl. I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.

Willow: It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor.

: You want Xander, you've gotta speak up, girl!

Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness... and sweaty palms.

: Don't let her hunt you down. Don't whimper and mewl like a mangy human. Kill. Feed. Live!

: You have no idea what it's like to have done the things that I've done... and to care.

Willow:What about Angel?

Buffy: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. "Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month."

Willow: He's not around much, it's true.

Buffy: When he is around... it's like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it's like that with some guys?

Willow: Oh, yeah!

Angel: It's alright. A vampire can't come in unless it's invited.

Angel: Look, I don't wanna get you in any more trouble...

Buffy: And I don't wanna get you dead.

Buffy: Angel?

Angel: Hmm?

Buffy: Do you snore?

Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anybody's been in a position to let me know.

Xander: Buffy, c'mon, wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book.

Buffy: What? Saving my life? Getting slashed in the ribs?

Xander: Duh!

Xander: You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?!

: There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of, of Angelus, the one with the angelic face.

Buffy: They got that right.

Xander: Now I'm sayin' something. You saw him naked?

Angel: Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friend's children... For a hundred years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.

Angel: I just wanted to see if you were okay. And your mother.

Buffy: We're both good. You?

Angel: If I can go a little while without getting shot or stabbed I'll be alright. Look, this can't...

Buffy: ... ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're,like, two hundred and twenty-four years older than I am.

Angel: I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this.

Buffy: You okay?

Angel: It's just...

Buffy: ... painful. I know. See you around?

I Robot, You Jane

: [dressing down Giles] Wrong and wrong, snobby. You think the realm of the mystical is limited to ancient texts and relics? That bad old science made the magic go away? The divine exists in cyberspace same as out here.

Ms. Calendar: You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?

: We're literary.

: To read makes our speaking English good.

: [ruminating on why books are better than computers] Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower or a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell... musty and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is... it has no texture, no context. It's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then the getting of knowledge should be tangible. It should be, um... smelly.

Xander: Calax Research and Development. It's a computer research lab. Third largest employer in Sunnydale till it closed down last year. What, I can't have information sometimes?

Giles: Well, it-it's just somewhat unprecedented.

Buffy: Tell me the truth: how's my hair?

Xander: It's great! It's your best hair ever!

Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?

Giles: Randomize traffic signals.

Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.

Giles: Destroy the world's economy.

Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.

Giles: Right, yours was best.

Xander: Hey! I got to hit someone!

Buffy: Besides, I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling.

Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire.

Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis?

: That's true.

Xander: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth.

Buffy: Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.

Xander: We're doomed!

The Puppet Show

: I have my pride. Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this.

: I know Principal Flutie would have said, "Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings." That's the kind of wooly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.

Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed... and also smoking.

: Once again I've been banished to the demon section of the card catalogue.

: Our new Fuehrer, Mr. Snyder.

Willow: I think they call 'em "principals" now.

: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.

Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped.

Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch!

: And mock!

Willow: And laugh!

Xander: Did I mention that I hate this school?

: All I can think is, it coulda been me!

Xander: We can dream.

Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me?

Xander: What's the square root of 841?

Willow: 29. Oh, yeah.

Nightmares

: [looking at a cross] We are defined by the things we fear. This symbol, these two planks of wood... it confounds me, suffuses me with mortal dread.

: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.

Vampire : Scary. I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you. And I'm one of them.

Xander: Oh, the spiders! Willow's been kind of, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Insane about what happened yesterday.

: I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you: for crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ewww! How do they not ruffle you?

Willow: Xander! What happened to your...?!

Xander: I-I-I dunno! I was, uh, dressed a minute ago! It's a dream. It's gotta be a dream. Ow! Wake up. Ow! Gotta wake up.

Buffy: Well, we better hurry... 'cause I'm getting hungry.

Xander: That is a... joke, right?

Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?

Xander: Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque!

Willow: Still dug her, huh?

Xander: I'm sick, I need help.

Willow: Don't I know it.

Out of Mind, Out of Sight

: There are no dead students here. This week.

: Research Boy comes through with the knowledge.

: A vampire in love with a Slayer. It's rather poetic... in a maudlin sort of way.

Giles: Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap.

: This is all about me! Me, me, me!

Xander: Wow! For once she's right!

Cordelia: If I'm not crowned tonight then, then Marcie's won! And that would be bad. She's evil, okay? Way eviler than me.

Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?

Giles: A vampire casts no reflection.

Angel: Don't worry. I'm not here to eat.

Giles: There's an... invisible girl terrorizing the school.

: That's not really my area of expertise.

Giles: Nor mine, I'm afraid. Uh, it's fascinating, though. By all accounts it's a, a... a wonderful power to possess.

Angel: Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing there. It's an overrated pleasure.

Cordelia: Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.

Giles: The loneliness, the constant exile, she's...she has gone mad!

Xander: Ya think?

Angel: I'll get it. It's not like I need the oxygen.

Buffy: You're a thundering loony!

Prophecy Girl

: [practicing to ask Buffy to the Spring Fling dance] Y'know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um... a mate and then we can... observe their... mating rituals and tag them before they migrate just kill me!

: You think I wanna go to the dance with you and watch you wish you were at the dance with her? You think that's my idea of hijinx? You should know better.

: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.

Xander: I don't feel that boring covers it.

Buffy: No, boring falls short.

Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd.

Buffy: Don't say that.

Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?

Xander: Nah. Forget it. I'm not him. I mean, I guess a guy's gotta be undead to make time with you.

Buffy: That's really harsh.

Xander: Look, I'm sorry. I don't handle rejection well. Funny! Considering all the practice I've had, huh?

Xander: That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain.

: The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little.

: Well, there's gotta be some way around it.

: Listen. Some prophecies are, are a bit dodgy. They're, they're mutable. Buffy herself has, has thwarted them time and time again, but this is the Codex. There is nothing in it that does not come to pass.

Angel: Then you're reading it wrong.

Giles: I wish to God I were! But it's very plain! Tomorrow night Buffy will face the Master, and she will die.

Buffy: They say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt? Don't touch me! Were you even gonna tell me?

Giles: I was hoping that I wouldn't have to. That there was... some way around it. I...

Buffy: I've got a way around it. I quit!

Angel: It's not that simple.

Buffy: I'm making it that simple! I quit! I resign, I-I'm fired, you can find someone else to stop the Master from taking over!

Giles: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the... the signs indicate...

Buffy: The signs? READ ME THE SIGNS! TELL ME MY FORTUNE! YOU'RE SO USEFUL SITTING HERE WITH ALL YOUR BOOKS! YOU'RE REALLY A LOTTA HELP!

Giles: No, I don't suppose I am.

Angel: I know this is hard.

Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die!

Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way...

Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!

Giles: Buffy, if the Master rises...

Buffy: I don't care! I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die.

Xander: How could you let her go?

Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go!

Xander: How can I say this clearly? I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.

Angel: You're in love with her.

Xander: Aren't you?

Xander: You were looking at my neck.

Angel: What?

Xander: You were checking out my neck! I saw that!

Angel: No, I wasn't!

Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.

Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck!

Xander: I told you to eat before we left.

: You were destined to die! It was written!

Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

Buffy: Sure! We saved the world. I say we party!

Willow: You can come with us, Angel.

Buffy: I'm hungry.

Xander: So what's the story with the car?

: Oh, that was me, saving the day!

Willow: [to Angel] Get something to drink.

Buffy: Is anybody else hungry?

Willow: [to Angel] Well, no, don't do that. Just hang.

Buffy: I'm really, really hungry.

Angel: By the way, I really like your dress.

Buffy: Yeah, yeah. Big hit with everyone.

Season 2

Some Assembly Required

: I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.

: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.

: It actually kinda turns me on.

Buffy: I fear you.

Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?

Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.

Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.

Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting.

Buffy: I know you meant to say 'gross and disturbing.'

Giles: [halfheartedly] Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it.

: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word corpse in it?

: Love makes you do the wacky.

Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?

Xander: [bitterly] You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love.

Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this.

Xander: [as Willow looks on] Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have.

Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.

: What?

Buffy: Crazy stuff.

Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?

Buffy:: Are you fessing up?

Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.

Buffy: I don't love Xander.

Angel: [about Xander] He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.

Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.

Buffy: Nope. Why? Are you jealous?

Angel: Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.

Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?

Angel: "Danced with" is a pretty loose term. "Mated with" might be a little closer.

Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.

Angel: I am not jealous.

Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?

Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.

Eric: Cordelia's so fine. Y'know, she'd be just perfect for us.

Chris: Don't be an idiot. She's alive.

Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place.

Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight?

Willow: Oh, boy! A field trip! Are you gonna call Angel?

Buffy: I don't think so.

Xander: Yeah, why bother him, huh?

Buffy: Angel and I have been, um...Never mind. As far as Angel's concerned, I'm taking the night off, okay?

Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel?

Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered doughnuts?

Xander: Me.

Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?

Xander: Karma!

Xander: How about that? I always pegged him as a one-woman vampire.

School Hard

: Your parents, assuming you have any, will meet your teachers, assuming you have any left.

: You were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.

Spike: You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.

: The boy doesn't trust you. They follow him. I think sometimes that all my hair will fall out and I'll be bald.

: Do we really need weapons for this?

Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.

: [after braining Spike with an axe] You get the hell away from my daughter!

Spike: A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.

: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.

: You're bad to the bone.

Willow: I'm a rebel.

Xander: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.

: You said you weren't sure if you were going.

Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?

Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have someone out there.

Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?

Angel: Everything.

Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?

Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.

Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!

Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.

Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!

Angel: Things change.

Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom!

Xander: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?

Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.

Xander: A-and if he bit me, what then?

Angel: We would've known he bought it.

Inca Mummy Girl

: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.

: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.

Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying it.

: What does a girl have to do to impress you?

: Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here.

Devon: You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency!

Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.

Devon: She doesn't have to talk.

: [on Twinkies] And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy "food" feeling in your stomach.

: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.

Buffy: Good for you.

Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.

Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

Xander: Hold on a sec. So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man. With man parts. This is a terrible idea.

Willow: What about the beautiful melding of two cultures?

Xander: There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself.

Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.

Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational that way.

Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?

Xander: The important thing is you believe that.

Buffy: Just this once I'd like to be the Overlooked One.

Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.

Xander: For twenty-one hours?

Willow: It's addictive, you know.

Xander: Oh, yeah. Fall for the old "let me translate that ancient seal for ya" come-on. Tsh. D'ya know how many times I've used that?

Willow: So, Ampata. You're a girl.

Ampata: Yes. For many years now.

Xander: Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat.

Willow: Why are you suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot? That came out wrong.

Ampata: You are strange.

Xander: Girls always tell me that. Right before they run away.

Xander: That's great! You're not a praying mantis, are you? Sorry, someone else.

Buffy: Come on! Can't you put your foot down?

Giles: It is down.

Buffy: One of these days you're gonna have to get a grownup car.

Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.

Reptile Boy

: [explaining the Indian movie] She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins, but then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have no place to put their big maple... fish thing.

Willow: [on coffee] It's the non-relationship drink of choice. It's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but...

: She lied to me?

Willow: Well...

: Did... she have a date?

Willow: [to Angel] Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! [to Giles] And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the chosen one, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! [to Angel] And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee? Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy.

Willow: Hey! Buffy! Snake! Basement! Now!

: I told one lie, I had one drink.

Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Angel: What are you sayin', you wanna have a date?

Buffy: No.

Angel: You don't wanna have a date?

Buffy: Who said 'date'? I-I-I never said 'date'.

Angel: Right. You just wanna have coffee or somethin'.

Buffy: Coffee?

Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.

Buffy: What? What do you think is happening?

Angel: You're sixteen years old. I'm two hundred and forty-one.

Buffy: I've done the math.

Angel: You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you want...

Buffy: Oh. No, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation.

Angel: Listen, if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.

Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?

Angel: I'm just tryin' to protect you. This could get outta control.

Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.

Buffy: No. When you kiss me I wanna die.

Buffy: I-I'm not going with Angel. I'm going with -- ye gods -- Cordelia.

Willow: Cordelia?! Did I sound a little jealous just then, 'cause I'm not really... Cordelia?!

: Cordelia's much better for you than Angel.

Willow: What happened with Angel?

Buffy: Nothing, as usual. A whole lotta nothing with Angel.

Xander Bummer.

Willow: I don't understand. I mean, he likes you. More than likes.

Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me.

Xander: Don't you hate that?

Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.

Xander: That bastard!

Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.

Xander: Yeah! Tom? Who's Tom?

Willow: The frat guy.

Buffy: Angel showed up. He could smell it.

Xander: The blood? There's a guy you wanna party with.

Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?

Willow:: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.

Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties... That's not askew, that's cockeyed.

Willow: Askew means cockeyed.

Tom: No. We're not all a bunch of drunken louts. Some of us are sober louts.

Willow: Oh! Sorry. The reflection thing that you don't have. Angel, how do you shave?

Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? Hey, man, how you doin'?

Angel: Buffy.

Buffy: Angel.

Xander: Xander!

Angel: I hear this place, uh, serves coffee. I thought maybe you and I should get some. Sometime. If you want.

Buffy: Yeah. Sometime. I'll let you know.

Halloween

[Buffy, somewhat worse for the wear after her patrol, arrives at The Bronze to find Angel talking to Cordelia.]

: Buffy!

: Hi! I'm…

Angel: Late.

Buffy: Rough day at the office.

[Angel pulls a piece of straw from her hair.]

Angel: So I see.

Buffy: Hey, it's a look. A seasonal look.

: Buffy. Love the hair. It just screams street urchin.

: Those wacky vampires! That's why I love 'em! They just keep you guessing!

: You and Buffy, you're just friends, right?

Xander: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss.

[Xander confronts athlete Larry about insulting Buffy.]

Larry: Well, what're you gonna do about it?

Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it…

[He grabs Larry by the shirt.]

Xander: … somethin' damn manly.

: It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.

Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.

Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.

Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong.

[Buffy admonishes Willow on her choice of a boring ghost costume.]

Buffy: It's just… You're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding! You're missing the whole point of Halloween.

Willow: Free candy?

Buffy: It's "come as you aren't" night! The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild, with no repercussions.

Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.

: Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see?

: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.

[Willow hesitatingly emerges from the bathroom in a knock-out outfit: a split leather skirt, rust long-sleeved halter, and choker.]

Buffy: Wow! You're a dish! I mean, really!

Willow: But… this just isn't me.

Buffy: And that's the point! Look, Halloween is the night that "not you" is you, but not you. You know?

Willow: [nervously] Yeah. O-o-okay.

Buffy: Cool! I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you!

[Xander enters.]

Xander: Private Harris reporting for…

[He spies Buffy in her Southern belle costume.]

Xander: Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex!

Cordelia: Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show- up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?

: Yeah, y'know, he's just going by "Devon" now.

[Willow is frustrated by Buffy's becoming her costume's 18th-century Southern belle persona.]

Willow: She couldn't have dressed up like Xena?

Willow: Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of.

Cordelia: That's nice, Willow. And you went mental when?

[Spike observes the chaos in the streets from all the kids becoming their costumes.]

Spike: Well, this is just… neat!

[Ghost Willow, still in her un-Willow-like sexy outfit, tells Giles what's happening outside.]

: Um, so everybody became, uh, whatever they were masquerading as.

Willow: Right. Xander was a soldier and Buffy was an 18th-century girl.

Giles: [confused] A-and, uh, your, your costume?

Willow: I'm a ghost.

Giles: Yes. Um… w— uh, uh, uh, the ghost of what, exactly?

Buffy: Tada. Just little old 20th-century me.

Angel: Sure you're okay?

Buffy: I'll live.

Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?

Buffy: I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.

Angel: Oh, ho.

Buffy: What?

Angel: I hated the girls back then. Especially the noble women.

Buffy: You did.

Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone... exciting. Interesting.

Buffy: Really? Interesting how?

Angel: You know how.

Buffy: Still, I had a really hard day. You should probably tell me.

Angel: You're right. I should.

Buffy: Definitely.

Lie to Me

: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed...

: I think you mean O-pressed.

Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!

Xander: "This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends!" Jeez, doesn't she know any fat guys?

Xander: Angel was in your bedroom?!

: Ours is a forbidden love.

Chantarelle: This is a beautiful day. Can't you see that?

: What I see is that, right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the all-you-can-eat moron bar.

Xander: Hey, it's me. If Angel's doing somethin' wrong, I wanna know. 'Cause it gives me a happy!

Buffy: Mm, I'm glad someone has a happy.

Ford: Oh. I thought you were just slaying a vampire.

Buffy: What? Whating a what?

Willow: Oh! Angel! What are you doing here?

: I wanted to talk to you.

Willow: Oh, well... Well?

Angel: I can't. Unless you invite me, I can't come in.

Willow: Oh! Well, okay, I invite you. To come in.

Angel: I-if this is a bad time, I...

Willow: No! I just... I'm not supposed to have boys in my room.

Angel: I promise to behave myself.

Willow: Okay. Good.

Angel: I guess I need help.

Willow: Help? You mean like on homework? No, 'cause you're old and you already know stuff.

Angel: I want you to track someone down. On the 'Net.

Willow: Oh! Great! I'm so the 'Net girl.

Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't wanna hear, do you promise not to bite me?

Angel: Are you gonna tell me that I'm jealous?

Willow: Well, you do sometimes get that way.

Angel: You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feelin' guilty... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.

Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.

Angel: Could you not call me that?

Willow: The Lonely Ones?

Angel: Vampires.

Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.

Angel: Do you love me?

Buffy: What?

Angel: Do you?

Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.

Angel: Maybe you shouldn't do either.

Buffy: Maybe I'm the one who should decide!

Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was... an obsession of mine. She was pure and sweet and chaste...

Buffy: And you made her a vampire.

Angel: First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.

Buffy: Well. I asked for the truth.

[Buffy and Giles stand in front of Buffy's friend's grave.]

Buffy: Does it ever get easy?

: You mean life?

Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?

Giles: What do you want me to say?

Buffy: Lie to me.

Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.

Buffy: Liar.

The Dark Age

: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.

: He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math. This could be mathier.'

Xander: Ooh, gang, didja hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!

: I just love to see you squirm.

: Yes, well, I, uh... trust I gave good... squirm.

Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy-duddy?

Giles: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.

Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy-duddy?

Giles: Well, no. Actually that part usually gets left out. I can't imagine why.

: There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books?

Buffy: Don't be sorry, be Giles. C'mon, we fight monsters. This is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat 'em up and they go away. This isn't any different!

Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.

Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.

Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels

Buffy: How did you know about this?

Angel: It's delivery day. Everybody knows about this.

: Maybe he's late.

Buffy: Giles? Who counts tardiness as, like, the eighth deadly sin?

Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?

Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah.

Xander: That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down! Come on!

Cordelia: I've seen you fight. And don't think I can't take you!

Xander: Give it your best shot.

: HEY! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!

Cordelia: We're sorry.

Xander: We'll be good.

Buffy: You knew that if the demon was in trouble it was gonna jump into the nearest dead person.

Angel: I put it in danger.

Willow: And it jumped.

Angel: I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years... just waitin' for a good fight.

Buffy: Winner and still champion.

What's My Line?, Part 1

: Do I like shrubs?

: That's between you and your god.

Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.

: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.

Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Buffy: Well, there you go! I don't have to be the Slayer. I could be dead.

: That wasn't terribly funny. You'll notice I don't laugh.

Buffy: Wouldn't be much of a change. Either way I'm bored, constricted, I never get to shop, and... my hair and fingernails still continue to grow. So, really, when you think about it, what's the diff?

[Willow, sleeping over an open book, bolts upright.]

: Don't warn the tadpoles!

Giles: "Don't warn the tadpoles"?

Willow: I… I have frog fear.

Dalton: Yes, but... The Order of Taraka. I mean, isn't that overkill?

: No, I think it's just enough kill.

[Oz's first word to Willow, as they sit next to each other in a special career reception.]

: Canapé?

Giles: You're behaving remarkably immaturely.

Buffy: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature.

: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?

Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.

Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.

Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.

Angel: Buffy! You scared me.

Buffy: Now you know what it feels like, Stealth Guy.

Buffy: Uh, we're having this thing at school.

Angel: Career week?

Buffy: How did you know?

Angel: I lurk.

Xander: "Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?

Buffy: So, mark "none of the above".

Xander: Well, there are no boxes for "none of the above". That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.

Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.

Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.

Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid.

Xander: Y'know, with that kind of attitude you could've had a bright future as an employee at the DMV.

Cordelia: Oh, here I am. "Personal shopper or motivational speaker".Neato!

Xander: Motivational speaker? On what? Ten ways to a more annoying you?

Buffy: Color me stunned.

: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event.

Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.

Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.

Xander: So, why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I'da gone with "The Cross-o- matic", or, uh, "The Amazing Mr. Cross".

Xander: But Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process!

Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.

Willow: You and Angel are going skating? Alone?

Buffy: Unless some unforeseen evil pops up. But I'm in full "see no evil" mode.

Willow: Angel ice-skating.

Buffy: I know. Two worlds collide.

Buffy: The Hellmouth presents Dead Guys On Ice. Not exactly the evening we were aiming for.

Angel: You're in danger. You know what the ring means?

Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?

Angel: I'm serious! You should go home and wait until you hear from me.

Angel: You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this.

Buffy: Oh. I didn't even notice.

Angel: Sure you are, Willy. And I'm taking up sunbathing.

Angel: You know, I'm a little rusty when it comes to killing humans. It could take a while.

What's My Line?, Part 2

: Did I not see you kissing a vampire?

: Buffy would never do that! Oh. Except for... sometimes you do that.

[Spike is dragging an unconscious Angel away.]

: What are you gonna do with him anyway?

: I'm thinking... maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.

: Here! I don't do worms.

: Well, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs.

Willow: Well, don't you have any ambition?

Oz: Oh, yeah. Yeah. E-flat diminished ninth.

Willow: Huh?

Oz: Well, the E-flat, it's... it's doable. But it's that diminished ninth, you know... it's a man's chord. You could lose a finger.

: Who sponsored career day today? The British Soccer Fan Association?

Willow: Don't worry, Buffy, we'll save Angel.

Kendra: Angel? But our priority is to stop Drusilla!

Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him.

: Say "uncle". Oh, that's right, you killed my uncle.

Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that? You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "Hey, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And, you know, the monkey's just [in a French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants." And then there's a big coup at the zoo.

Willow: The monkey is French?

Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?

: Not to my knowledge. Um, th-the new Slayer is only called after the previous Slayer has died. Uh... Oh, good Lord! You were dead, Buffy.

: I was only gone for a minute.

Buffy: I don't take orders. I do things my way.

Kendra: No wonder you died.

Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that?

Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than praying mantis lady. He was a man of bugs, not a man who was a bug.

Buffy: You know. No kick-o, no fight-o?

Kendra: Oh. Dey call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.

Buffy: Can you say "stuck in the '80s"?

Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?

Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?

Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...

Willow: Oh, that's Oz. He's expressing computer nerd solidarity.

Xander: A Slayer, huh? I knew this "I'm the only one, I'm the only one" thing was just an attention-getter.

Kendra: Did anyone explain to you what "secret identity" means?

Buffy: Nope. Must be in the handbook.

Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike.

Kendra: Two Slayers!

Buffy: No waiting!

Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!

Giles: There are forty-three churches in Sunnydale? That seems a little excessive.

Willow: It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth. Makes people pray harder.

Ted

: He redid my entire system at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time.

: To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen.

Buffy: Vampires are creeps.

: Yes, that's why one slays them.

Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am—

Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.

: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.

: Oh, very funny.

Xander: Not really.

Cordelia: What are you saying?

Xander: Nice outfit?

Cordelia: Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut?

Cordelia: I thought you liked him!

Xander: I sometimes like things that are not good for me.

Cordelia: [about Buffy] But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?

: Sure, in a fascist society.

Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?

Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.

Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?

Buffy: Oh, yeah!

Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Buffy: Can you say 'sucking chest wound?'

Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!

Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?

Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Buffy: So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show", and "Ted's teaching me computers", and "Ted said the funniest thing", and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom", and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.

: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?

Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.

Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.

Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.

Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.

Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?

Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?

Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?

Angel: Kiss me.

Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!

Bad Eggs

Mr. Whitmore: ...it's often difficult to remember that there are negative consequences to having sex. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?

: Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car? Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and, and...

: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?

Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.

: You boiled your young?

: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.

Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.

Cordelia: It's an egg, Buffy, it doesn't emote.

Xander: Can I just say... gyuhhhh?

: I see your gyuhhhh and raise you a ngyahhh!

Willow: Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.

Giles: Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.

Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.

Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up!

Tector: That the Slayer?

Lyle: Yep.

Tector: Ain't that Angelus with her?

Lyle: Yep.

Tector: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush?

: Not like I have an early day tomorrow.

Angel: So you don't think about the future?

Buffy: No.

Angel: Never?

Buffy: No.

Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?

Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.

Angel: I know the feeling.

Lyle: I told you this weren't over.

Tector: She's so cute. And little. Think we can keep her?

Surprise

[In Buffy's dream, she walks through a crowd at The Bronze. At one table, Willow talks to a monkey in a red jacket and hat.]

: L'hippo a piqué ton pantalon.

• Roughly speaking, that's French for "The hippo stole your pants."

[Buffy tells Angel about her dream, in which Drusilla kills him.]

: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?

: I dreamt… I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.

Angel: See my point?

. . .

Angel: You still haven't told me what you wanted for your birthday.

Buffy: Surprise me.

Angel: Okay. I will.

Buffy: This is nice. I like seeing you first thing in the morning.

Angel: It's bedtime for me.

Buffy: Well, then I like seeing you at bedtime. Um… um, heh… y-you know what I mean.

Angel: I think so. What do you mean?

Buffy: I like seeing you. The part at the end of the night where we say goodbye… It's getting harder.

Angel: Yeah. It is.

[Buffy frets to Willow about getting serious with Angel.]

Willow: Carpe diem! You told me that, once.

Buffy: "Fish of the day"?

Willow: Not carp — carpe! It means "seize the day".

Buffy: Right.

. . .

[Buffy prods Willow about her interest in Oz.]

Willow: Oh, I don't know, though. He is a senior.

Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

. . .

Buffy: You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.

Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

[Later with Oz, Willow tries to summon the nerve to carpe her own diem, but he interrupts.]

: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm… kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.

Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes".

Oz: Yeah, it helps. It— it creates a comfort zone. [pauses] Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?

[Suddenly, Willow slaps her forehead.]

Willow: Oh! I can't!

Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.

Willow: Oh… it's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.

Oz: It's okay.

Willow: But you could come! If you wanted.

Oz: Well, I don't wanna crash.

Willow: No, it's fine! Well, you could be m— my date.

Oz: All right. I'm in.

[Willow walks off happily.]

Willow: [to herself] I said "date"!

[As Buffy's friends lie in wait at the otherwise empty Bronze for her surprise birthday party, Buffy arrives by crashing through the window, struggling with a vampire. After a bit more tussle, she dusts him. As Buffy's friends stand agape, Cordelia jumps out of hiding.]

: Surprise!

Oz: That pretty much sums it up.

. . .

[Willow turns to "civilian" Oz.]

Willow: Are you okay?

Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?

Willow: Ohhh, well… sort of.

: Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.

Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.

Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.

Innocence

Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

Killed By Death

: You don't know how to kill this thing.

: I thought I might try violence.

Xander: Solid call.

I Only Have Eyes For You

Becoming, Part 2

Beauty and the Beasts

The Wish

Bad Girls

: Chemistry is fun. It's a lot like witchcraft, only less newt.

: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "please". And afterwards I get a cookie.

Consequences

Enemies

The Prom

Graduation Day, Part 2

Pangs

Doomed

[The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]

: Right. It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.

: It's kind of the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?

Buffy: I'm telling you I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where! I mean, it's like…

: It's the end of the world.

Buffy, Willow, Xander: Again?

Giles: It's, ah, the earthquake… that symbol… yes.

Buffy: I told you. I-I said "end of the world", and you're like "poo-poo, southern California, poo-poo"!

Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.

[Spike is poised over an upright stake, arms spread wide as he prepares to fall on it.]

: Goodbye, Dru. See you in Hell.

A New Man