Batman (1966)

[In the Batcave, Batman and Robin prepare to leave in the Batmobile.]

Robin: Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.

Batman: Roger. Ready to move out.

[After the shark attack, Batman takes questions from the press in Commissioner Gordon's office.]

Batman: You there, Miss…

Miss Kitka: Comrade Kitayna Ireyna Tatanya Kerenska Alisoff. I am from the Moscow Bugle.

[Batman, Robin, Commissioner Gordon, and Chief O'Hara consider which supercriminal might have been behind the fake yacht and exploding shark attack.]

Gordon: Could be any one of them, but which one? W— which ones?

O'Hara: [gasps]

Batman: Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder.

Gordon: You mean, where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin.

Robin: But wait! It happened at sea! See? "C" for Catwoman!

Batman: Yet… an exploding shark was pulling my leg!

Gordon: The Joker!

O'Hara: [It] all adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-er. Riddler?

Gordon: Oh! A thought strikes me! So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance.

Batman: The four of them. Their forces combined…

Robin: Holy nightmare!

[Stuck to Penguin's magnetic buoy, with a torpedo approaching, Batman pries loose his utility belt transmitter.]

Batman: If I could just reverse the polarity… send out waves of super-energy…

. . .

[An annoyed Penguin observes the destruction of his torpedos.]

Penguin: He must be using his Super-Energy Reverse Polarizer!

. . .

[A third torpedo approaches, but Batman's transmitter ceases its screeching.]

Batman: Confound it! The batteries are dead!

. . .

[Moments after an off-camera explosion, we see Batman and Robin speeding in their Batboat.]

Robin: Gosh, Batman. The nobility of the almost-human porpoise.

Batman: True, Robin. It was… noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life… for ours.

[Batman calls Vice Admiral Fangschliester at the Pentagon about recently sold submarines.]

Fangschliester: Answer affirmative, Batman! We disposed of a war surplus submarine last Friday. A pre-atomic model. To some chap named, uh, "P. N. Guin".

Batman: P. N. Guin?

Robin: The Penguin!

Batman: Did this… P. N. Guin leave an address?

Fangschliester: No, just a post office box number. Would you like it?

Batman: No, thank you, Admiral. [gritting his teeth] You've been… very helpful.

Fangschliester: Avast and belay, Batman. Your tone sounds rather grim. We haven't done anything foolish, have we?

Batman: [slowly] Disposing of pre-atomic submarines to persons who don't even leave their full addresses?! Good day, Admiral!

[They hang up.]

Fangschliester: Gosh!

[Batman shows the Polaris-delivered riddles to the Commissioner and Chief.]

Batman: Look at this pair of joking riddles!

O'Hara: [reading] "What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?"

Robin: He gobbles up!

O'Hara: Of course!

Batman: And, number two.

Gordon: [reading] "What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?"

Robin: A sparrow with a machine gun!

Gordon: Yes, of course.

Batman: Now, combine both answers. What… kind of… creature would gobble up a bird in a tree?

O'Hara: Heaven protect us!

Gordon, O'Hara: [in unison] A cat!

Batman: Yes, gentlemen! The criminal cat-alyst in this entire affair! Our old… arch-enemy… Catwoman!

Gordon: Penguin, Joker, Riddler… and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!

Batman: We've been given the plainest warning! They're working together to take over…

O'Hara: To take over what, Batman? Gotham City?

Batman: Any two of them might try that!

Gordon: The whole… country?

Batman: If it were three of them, I would say yes, but four? Their minimum objective must be… the entire… world.

[Batman reads Miss Kitka's riddles to Robin.]

Batman: One: "What has yellow skin and writes?"

Robin: A ballpoint banana.

Batman: Right! Two: "What people are always in a hurry?"

Robin: Rushing people? Russians!

Batman: Right again! Now, what would you say they mean?

Robin: Banana… Russian. I've got it! Someone Russian is gonna slip on a banana peel and break their neck!

Batman: Precisely, Robin! The only possible meaning.

Alfred: What is the scheme, sir?

Batman: Tonight, Bruce Wayne will go out on the town with Miss Kitka.

Alfred: A not-displeasing chore, sir.

Batman: Indeed, Alfred! I've rarely met a girl who's such a potent argument in favor of international… relations.

[Catwoman is scooping up "dehydrated death-dealing pirates" into separate vials.]

Penguin: Careful, careful. Waggh, waggh. Every one of 'em has a mother.

[Batman and Robin are climbing up the wharf building concealing the United Underworld hideout.]

Robin: When you think, Batman, with people in weird outfits, like the four super crooks hangin' around here, it's amazing somebody hasn't already reported this place to the police!

Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of… rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes.

[Batman dashes around the pier trying to dispose of a comically large bomb, repeatedly running into insensate bar patrons, an alms band, two nuns, a baby stroller, lovers in a boat, and even ducks in the water.]

Batman: Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!

[In the Batcave, Penguin's reconstituted pirates all disappear the moment they're touched.]

Robin: The pirates — they're gone! Popped like balloons! How'd it happen?

Batman: Whoever… de-hydrated those pirates could not have foreseen their accidental re-hydration… with the heavy water we use in recharging the atomic pile!

Robin: Which naturally left them in a highly unstable condition!

Batman: You saw it yourself, Robin. The… [slaps his hands together] SLIGHTEST impact was sufficient to instantly reduce them to anti-matter!

Robin: Antimatter? You mean they… won't be coming back?

Batman: No, Robin. Not in this universe.

[They jump down from the Bat consoles.]

Batman: Let that be… an object lesson in the dangers of tampering with the laws of Mother… Nature.

[Batman and Robin spy the Riddler's latest missile-delivered clues.]

Batman: "What goes up white, and comes down yellow… and… white?"

Robin: An egg!

Batman: "How do you divide… seven-teen apples… among… sixteen… people?"

Robin: Make applesauce!

Batman: Apples into applesauce… a unification… into one smooth mixture. An egg… nature's perfect container… the container of all our hopes for the future!

Robin: A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!

Batman: Precisely, Robin!

[Batman and Robin are running through the streets of Gotham to the United World headquarters.]

Robin: Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch, Batman!

Batman: Let's hope… it's a stitch in time, Robin! That saves nine — the nine members of the United World… Security Council! C'mon!

[After processing the jumbled powders of the Security Council members with their Super Molecular Dust Separator, the Dynamic Duo discovers the rehydrated delegates are speaking the wrong languages.]

Batman: Who knows, Robin? This… strange… mixing of minds… may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity. Let's go, but… inconspicuously, through the window. We'll use our… Batropes. [long pause] Our job is finished.

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