American Splendor

2003

Shari Springer Berman - Director/Screenwriter

Robert Pulcini - Director/Screenwriter

YOUNG HARVEY: I ain’t no super hero, lady. I’m just a kid from the neighborhood, all right?

MR. BOATS: “Avoid the reeking herd! Shun the polluted flock! Live like that stoic bird, The eagle of the rock!” ...You know what that means, son?

HARVEY: Yeah. It’s from an Elinor Hoyt Wylie poem. It means stay away from the crowds of common ordinary people and do your own thing.

MR. BOATS: Nope, it means don’t compromise yourself for women. Ain’t gonna do you no good. Get away from them as soon as you can!

HARVEY: Well, I ain’t got no woman now. So I’m living like the stoic bird, man.

MR. BOATS: The only way to live, son.

HARVEY: I’ve had enough bad experiences and growth to last me plenty....Right now, I’d be glad to trade some growth for happiness.

CRUMB: You turned yourself into a comic hero?

TOBY: I recommend the piña coladas. They are excellent and very authentic tasting.

TOBY (to Harvey): You know, you should try believing in something bigger than yourself. It might cheer you up.

MATTRESS GUY 1: So how smart is she?

MATTRESS GUY 2: I don’t know. I guess she’s about average.

MATTRESS GUY 1: Average? Hey, man. Average is dumb!

JOYCE: Why does everything in my life have to be such a complicated disaster ?!

HARVEY: Man, she’s got good looking handwriting.

JOYCE: Hi, Harvey. We finally meet in person.

HARVEY: Hiya. Look, before we get started with any of this, you might as well know right off the bat. I had a vasectomy.

JOYCE: I guess I have a lot of borderline health disorders that limit me politically when it comes to eating.

JOYCE: Harvey, go get me water and a few aspirin.

HARVEY: What, you got a headache?

JOYCE: No, but I want to avoid one.

JOYCE: Harvey, we better skip this whole courtship thing and just get married.

TOBY (Regarding “Revenge of the Nerds”): Yes, I consider myself a nerd. And this movie has uplifted me.

HARVEY: Look Toby, the guys in that movie are not 28 year-old file clerks who live with their grandmothers in an ethnic ghetto...They didn’t get their computers like you did, by trading in a bunch of box tops and $49.50 at the supermarket...Sure, go to the movies and daydream, but “Revenge of the Nerds” ain’t reality. It’s just Hollywood bullsh*t.

JOYCE: I’ll have you know that I come from a very dysfunctional family. I can spot personality disorders a mile away.

JOYCE (Referring to David Letterman): Megalomaniac.

REAL HARVEY: It seemed that real, salt of the earth people like Toby and me were being co-opted by these huge corporations. We were getting held up and ridiculed as losers in the system. What can I say, it was the 80’s, man.

TOBY: Hamburgers are a safer addiction than drugs. Say no to drugs. Say yes to White Castle.

HARVEY: Yeah, I know I’m not as interesting as The Little Mermaid and all that magical crap.

DANIELLE (to Harvey): Joyce is right. You are obsessive-compulsive.

CAST:

Paul Giamatti - Harvey Pekar

Hope Davis - Joyce Brabner

Harvey Pekar - Real Harvey

Shari Springer Berman - Interviewer

James Urbaniak - Robert Crumb

Judah Friedlander - Toby Radloff

Earl Billings - Mr. Boats

Joyce Brabner - Real Joyce